i want to be wrong
12.04.24
I want to talk about Chinese Satellite.
Although the themes of personal belief and struggles with faith are peppered throughout Phoebe’s discography, this song discusses the singer’s personal experience of agnosticism and how she yearns for the stability and trust that others have towards their chosen religion or God.
“I want to believe
Instead I look at the sky and I feel nothing
You know I hate to be alone
I want to be wrong”
- Phoebe Bridgers, Punisher: Chinese Satellite
Every lyric in this song paints a beautifully detailed picture of Bridgers’ emotions and experience, including her signature micro-detailed descriptions of the mundane packed with tonnes of metaphor. But the last lyric in the chorus is the one I want to discuss as it ties this song perfectly into several completely separate pieces of art and media that I’m personally enamoured with.
“I want to be wrong”
- Phoebe Bridgers, Punisher: Chinese Satellite
This line, apart from signifying the hopelessness in Bridgers’ lack of faith and her wish to feel the faith that she knows so many others possess, also invokes a sense of the need to give up control, or to have someone else tell you what to believe in. Faith is something so many people struggle with, and I often see people with a strong faith in a religion or spirituality as lucky. The power of belief in something that has never been proven to be true is very hard to grasp, but it is something a lot of people desire as a form of comfort.
“I need a father. I need a mother. I need some older, wiser being to cry to. I talk to God, but the sky is empty.”
- Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
This quote expresses the same sentiment seen in Chinese Satellite, a yearning for something to answer to, something bigger and powerful and all knowing to swoop in and take control. Talking to a God you don’t even believe in because you need so desperately to be heard. This quote also evokes a feeling of abandonment from real figures in everyone’s life that are supposed to be all-knowing and comforting, but for many people fall short. A parental figure is often seen as someone to look to for guidance and advice, but many people - including myself - struggle with this notion in practice. Often the things we are looking for are impossible for anyone - a parent, a religion or otherwise - to provide.
The next quote I want to highlight is from the TV series Fleabag written by Phoebe Waller-Bridge.
“I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat. What to like, what to hate, what to rage about. What to listen to, what band to like. What to buy tickets for. What to joke about, what to not joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in. Who to vote for and who to love and how to tell them. I think I just want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I've been getting it wrong.”
— Fleabag, Fleabag, Season 2: Episode 4
This quote compounds the hopelessness expressed in the two previous pieces of media. The experience that many people have of feeling like they are making the wrong decisions and wanting to know the “right” thing to do. I’m sure this notion is universal, but a religious upbringing can make these feelings even more potent. Many people who stray from their family’s religion as they grow up still struggle with the ideas of what is right and wrong that have been ingrained in them from a young age, or even just the morals or traditions that older family members hold as gospel.
It’s clear that this theme ties all three quotes together, with all three women looking to religion as a last resort chance for a reconciliation between who they are and who they thought they would be.
When discussing the inspiration for Chinese Satellite, Bridgers said:
“If I'm being honest, this song is about turning 11 and not getting a letter from Hogwarts, just realising that nobody's going to save me from my life, nobody's going to wake me up and be like, ‘Hey, just kidding. Actually, it's really a lot more special than this, and you're special.’ No, I’m going to be the way that I am forever. I mean, secretly, I am still waiting on that letter, which is also that part of the song, that I want someone to shake me awake in the middle of the night and be like, ‘Come with me. It's actually totally different than you ever thought.’ That’d be sweet.’”
- Phoebe Bridgers, Apple Music: Punisher
This reminds me of a lot of the feelings I experienced in the year or so following moving out of home. The realisation that you are now in charge of your own life, and nobody is going to remind you not to be late for work or tell you that it’s not a good idea to store eggs in the cupboard. “I’m going to be the way that I am forever” is a powerful statement, and something that I believe hits everyone over the head at certain moments to remind you that this is your real life and the only one you get.
Comparing religion to Hogwarts might seem tone-deaf to some, but for many agnostics or atheists it describes perfectly how they feel about religion. Something magical and unbelievable, but nice to pretend sometimes. Growing up, and realising that your religious beliefs just don’t fit anymore often go hand in hand, and the comparison works perfectly in the song. Everyone has had the realisation that life is not going to be like what you imagined as a child, or that the things you were taught when you were younger are actually not that all believable. Both Fleabag and Sylvia Plath’s aforementioned quotes speak on this too, describing in greater detail the things they feel they should know, and who they look for to tell them the answers.
Fleabag knows that people follow religion for the stability and comfort, and she wants to receive that support from the priest who she speaks to in the quote above. Sylvia Plath wants any guidance she can get, talking to the empty sky. And Phoebe Bridgers doesn’t believe in religion, but she wants to be wrong.